I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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