He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
