So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize