i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize