i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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