So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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