well you can't waste a boner
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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