Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
