I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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