Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
