Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
