You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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