whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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