Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
