I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
