My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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