I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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