The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
