Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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