when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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