I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
