i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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