I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
are you so shy because you have an std?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
