he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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