I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
