She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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