My liver just broke up with me...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
