I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize