Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
