Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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