Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
