if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
