I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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