I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
