Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I will be naked everywhere
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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