This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
