I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
