he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
