i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
