so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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