I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
