Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
