i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Randomize
