dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
