I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
