I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize