my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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