You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
There's even glitter on my cock...
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