So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
