there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
