By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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