fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize