The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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