I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i came on her dog
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize