I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
