tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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