No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You pole danced in your parka.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
