Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
