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The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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