Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
